Asking for a Friend: Help! I think I have a crush on my friend. What should I do?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, one student asks how to get over an infatuation with their pal
What do you do when a friend starts feeling like more than a friend? Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
I recently made a new friend. At first, I just wanted to expand my social circle. However, I think I have started liking them romantically. I’ve kept this bottled up for a while and tried to convince myself I don’t harbour these feelings or that they will pass, but nothing has worked. I don’t have time for a relationship (not that my parents would allow it anyway) since I’m entering an important time in my studies. I still want to keep this person as a friend since I really enjoy their company. Please help!
Sincerely, Smitten
I’m jealous of my best friend’s new boyfriend. What should I do?
Dear Smitten,
It sounds like you are getting distracted by your thoughts about this person, making you uncomfortable. Part of you doesn’t want to make the time for any romantic drama, and part of you wants to imagine and consider the “what ifs” of starting something with this person. Let’s take a different look at things to give you more clarity and perspective.
Remember, friendship is a type of relationship. It includes all the qualities of a romantic relationship: commitment, love, and intimacy.
Before you say, “Hey, how can friendship include intimacy?” we’re not talking about physical intimacy like kissing; we’re talking about intimacy as it’s broadly defined, “close familiarity, attachment, rapport”. Aka, feeling really emotionally close, connected, supported and known by another.
There are two things we notice in your question:
– You are entering an important phase in your studies.
– Your parents have strong opinions about romantic relationships, and you don’t want to go against their rules.
That puts you in a tough position. To get out of it, ask yourself three questions:
– Will I be sad if I lose this friend during this busy phase of my studies? You have a great connection, and it’s fun being their friend. Do you want to add pressure to the relationship? Knowing you like them romantically could make them so self-conscious that they stop hanging out with you.
Help! I know a secret about a friend that would hurt her feelings
– How long do I think I could hide a romantic relationship from my parents? How much effort are you willing to put into deceiving them? Will it feel like lying? Will you feel guilty? Do you want to deal with their reaction if they find out you’re in a romantic relationship?
– How disappointed with myself will I be if I let this chance for romance slip away? Will you be mad that you didn’t take this risk? Is it so important to you that you put yourself out there, even if it means losing the friendship?
None of these are easy questions, but they are necessary for someone considering starting a romantic relationship. Take your time answering them and allow yourself to reflect on each one for a few days.
Look at the experiences of other close friends who have made a similar choice, not for answers, but for examples of how their decisions positively and negatively impacted them. This should help you to figure out what to do.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Lolita Schmalenberg, a psychotherapist and teen and adult therapist at Lifespan Counselling.