- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a teen with a controlling sibling who needs to become more self-sufficient
Your sister isn’t the boss of you; it’s OK to stand up for yourself! Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My little sister is always so bossy. She needs my help selecting her clothes, making her bed, and even taking a bath. When I try to tell her that I don’t want to do all this for her, she thinks I am playing around. I want her to know she is old enough to do this by herself. I don’t want her to be my boss. What can I do?
Sincerely, Not My Sister’s Keeper
Help! My cousin copies everything I do – and does it better. What should I do?
Dear Not My Sister’s Keeper,
It appears you have an overall good relationship with your sister and she is confident in the decisions you make for her. However, it sounds like she is demanding and relies on you a lot, which is stressful and could make you feel like you are being controlled. You care about your sister, but you know she is mature enough to start taking care of herself.
To address this situation, it may be helpful to have an open and honest talk with your sister. Try to approach the conversation with patience and empathy rather than frustration or discontent. Let your sister know that you love her and want to help her but that you also feel overwhelmed and stressed by her constant demands for help. Encourage her to take on more responsibility and offer to help her learn how to do things by herself.
Tell her it is important to practise being more independent; it can help her build a positive self-image and self-confidence, and it is part of the personal growth journey that everyone goes through.
Make sure to set boundaries with your sister, too. Tell her how long you are available to help her learn to do a certain task, when you are free to help and when you need to focus on your own things.
You will have to take things slow and work gradually to help your sister become more independent. Start with a few tasks at a time. Be firm, patient, and encouraging, and don’t give up. Stay assertive and serious about your point of view, and remain calm and polite when engaging with her. Otherwise, she might think you are playing with her. Make sure she knows when you will stop helping her so she takes things seriously, and stick to your boundaries once the time comes.
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Lastly, it would be a good idea to hold a family meeting so everyone can make their household roles and duties clear. This could allow you to express your feelings openly and honestly about your current responsibilities. Honest and positive discussion can help you improve your situation, as well as your relationship with your family and, perhaps most importantly – your mental well-being.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
The question was answered by clinical psychologists from the Department of Health under Shall We Talk, a mental health initiative launched with the Advisory Committee on Mental Health.