Is a toxic ex love bombing you this season? It could be a case of ‘winter coating’
- ‘We get lazy in the winter, and it’s comfortable to have somebody right here with you without having to go hunting for someone new,’ a relationship expert says
- Reaching back out to an ex is a popular, often convenient option – but it can be hurtful and damaging. Here is what to watch for
It is that time of the year again: cuffing season.
As the temperature drops and the holidays roll in, the search for a temporary cuddle buddy begins. But this season, relationship experts are warning about another toxic, seasonal dating trend on the rise.
“We get lazy in the winter, and it’s comfortable to have somebody right here with you without having to go hunting for someone new,” explains Susan Winter, a relationship expert based in New York. It does not help that single people feel pressure from family members and friends to be partnered at holiday gatherings.
Reaching back out to an ex is a popular, often convenient option – but experts warn it can be hurtful and damaging.
“People break up for very strong reasons, and if those reasons haven’t been addressed or corrected, you’ll be walking back into the same emotional chaos that you left,” Winter says.
Winter coating is not a new phenomenon, but it is especially tempting this year.
“With the current state of inflation and the economy, people are going on [fewer] dates,” says Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counsellor in the US state of Arizona.
Unlike with “hoovering”, a manipulation tactic used to suck a person back into a toxic relationship, exes who winter coat are typically not ill-intentioned. But, in comparison to someone who truly wants a worthwhile relationship, a winter coater “won’t qualify why they’re back”.
“They’ll seduce you and pay attention to you without addressing the break-up, because they don’t want to deal with having been responsible,” Winter says. “They just want what they need for that time period, and as a result you’ll see them being reluctant to talk about the past, of why you broke up or how it affected you.”
Winter coating seems relatively harmless, but this seasonal romance and nostalgia can be hurtful. If you are not on the same page about the relationship, experts warn it can lead to more heartbreak.
“It can feel manipulative, and it can feel confusing,” Fedrick says. That is why she suggests an honest conversation about your intentions – as well as what went wrong the first time and what has changed.
“Be vigilant as to why this is happening,” Winter advises. “Is it temporary or do I really see a change in their behaviour? Is there an honest apology? Have they taken responsibility for their part of the actions? Are they really getting back together with me?”
Communication is key, so Winter suggests setting boundaries. “Don’t be afraid to be direct and ask, ‘Are you winter coating me?’”
