Going nowhere: signs of an ‘almost relationship’ and what you can do about it

If only one person is committed to an intimate relationship, it puts pressure on both partners
A sex educator gives tips on how to work out whether you are in an ‘almost relationship’, and if it can be salvaged

Luisa Tam

Published: 1:00am, 10 Nov 2019

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Sometimes people find themselves in an “almost, but not quite” relationship; the feeling of failure, the sense of loss, the wondering “what could have been” that accompany it can be distressing.

When the relationship is sexual, it is definitely bad news. Even for people who are engaged in a less than fully fledged partnership, the situation can still be toxic for both parties.

At least when a relationship fails outright, you know it is done and, whether or not you have learned your lesson, you know it’s time to move on and begin to heal. People in an “almost relationship” can find themselves paralysed by self-doubt and asking endless questions because they are being strung along by someone.

Even if they love the other person and feel committed to them, they feel there is no future because the relationship is neither reciprocal nor balanced. You may fool yourself into believing that “this could really be it”, only to find out that the person is not ready to commit, and never will be.

You’re in an almost relationship if you spend a lot of time with someone but neither of you has committed to stop sleeping with other people, says Sara Tang, a sex educator and pleasure coach, and founder of Sarasense.

You know you are in an “almost relationship” when you are spending a lot of time with someone, but haven’t yet had “the conversation” to confirm and commit to sexual exclusivity or some sort of status, says Sara Tang, a Hong Kong-based sex coach and founder of Sarasense, a relationship consultancy. It is easy to fall into such a relationship without realising it, she warns.

“Many times when we spend time with someone and are enjoying living in the moment, there can be a reluctance to bring up the conversation because we are afraid it might ruin the dynamic, as there’s a chance the other person doesn’t feel the same way.”

Fewer people are willing to show the commitment relationships need these days; some people blame this on the prevalence of dating apps. Photo: Shutterstock

Tang says the lack of relationship commitment is on the rise, and millennials especially are known for this. It tends to be because they are distracted by the options provided by dating apps.

Part of the appeal of this kind of relationship is the “push-pull” dynamic, Tang explains.

“It’s the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling and the uncertainty that can make life exciting. However, if it goes on for too long, it becomes exhausting.”

Long-distance relationships can turn into ‘almost relationships’. Photo: Shutterstock

Why do people resort to or prefer an “almost relationship”? “It could be unintentional. Most relationships start off organically, maybe as friends or as something purely sexual. Sometimes we simply haven’t communicated that we want to be in a committed relationship with the other person.

“It is intentional when there is a lack of commitment, especially if you’ve been seeing each other for a while. However, there could also be other barriers to the relationship which don’t have anything to do with commitment, such as geographic barriers, parental or societal disapproval, or [the two parties being in] different life stages,” Tang explains.

An “almost relationship” is different from the“friends with benefits” kind, she says. Friends-with-benefits relationships have clearly defined parameters that are agreed upon by both parties.

Don’t remain in a holding pattern for too long or let it compromise what you want from a relationship. Once it starts to trigger anxiety or leaves you feeling needy or desperate, it’s time to end it

Sara Tang, sex educator

“An ‘almost relationship’ isn’t that well defined and often it can last a lot longer and can take a bigger emotional toll,” Tang says.

But there is still hope for you to turn an “almost relationship” into one of real commitment.

“Sometimes people may need additional time for attraction to grow or to be ready for commitment. The person may have legitimate reasons for taking things slowly, so it’s important to make your intentions clear and allow for some ambiguity and flexibility based on where you or they are in the relationship or stage in life. Sometimes good things take time,” says Tang.

An “almost relationship” is different to a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Photo: Shutterstock

Some “almost relationships” are not salvageable, though. “Don’t remain in a ‘holding pattern’ for too long or let it compromise what you want from a relationship. Once it starts to trigger anxiety or leaves you feeling needy or desperate, it’s time to end it,” she says.

You do not want to compromise on your values and what you want just to placate another person, or allow you and your needs to become secondary to someone else’s. And you certainly do not want to torture yourself in a casual relationship for an unnecessarily long time.

Not all almost relationships are salvageable says Tang. Photo: Shutterstock

Eight ways to tell whether you are in an ‘almost relationship’

1. Are you unsure of the other person’s level of interest and their expectations?

2. Are you unclear where the boundaries are? For example, what’s the rule for flirting with other people? Should you still be using dating apps on your phone?

3. Have you been introduced to their friends, family or people important to them yet?

4. Are they reluctant to be affectionate in public?

5. Do you only share superficial details about each other’s lives and engage exclusively in small talk?

6. Are you both avoiding emotional topics like sharing your dreams, fears, or thoughts of the future?

7. Is there a lack of intimacy in the relationship?

8. Do you still question how “special” you are to that person, or whether you’re even a priority?

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post

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