A report charted the firm's financial ebb and cash flow, and concluded by telling investors the size of their dividend.

The report left Mr Tan unnerved. Not by the numbers, but by the name - the name of the man behind the decisions.

The missive was signed by Safeco's acting chairman and acting CEO.

'Why would he just use his initial when his initial is G?' Mr Tan asked Lai See. 'Perhaps it's time for me to rethink my investment.'

Lai See takes his point. That initial belonged to a Mr Reed.

Primed for silence: Culture vulture alert: A new show is coming to town. 'Flirtatious' will be playing at the Fringe Club later this month. It comes to us courtesy of the Fringe Mime and Movement Lab.

Now Lai See 's not a big fan of mime. But in the interests of open mindedness, we read the press release anyway.

It sounds like it's about modern man caught in a prison of his own making.

Well. Something like that. What it actually says is:

'Stepping forward to a new millennium, the rapid development in the world planting further enormous distress over our head. The growth of such atmosphere has led to happen sentimental incompatible.'

Whatever. However you dress it up, it's just another excuse for those mimes to pretend to be trapped in invisible boxes.

Forceful spirit: Lai See has decided to embrace religion.

She believes there is a universal energy that binds everything together. She believes instinct should be trusted and darkness should be fought.

That's why she's decided to become a Jedi.

It isn't an official religion yet - but New Zealanders are working on it.

Star Wars fans have launched an e-mail campaign urging everyone to make 'Jedi' an official religion in the country by recording it on forms everyone must complete in yesterday's national census.

The census form asks New Zealanders to designate their religion and includes a write-in box labelled 'other'.

In an e-mail reportedly sent to thousands of people, Star Wars buffs are encouraging them to declare their religion as 'Jedi', claiming if 8,000 do so it will become official, taking its place alongside the Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim and Jewish.

But that's simply not true, the Guardian newspaper said.

The census office has no idea where this magical 8,000 number came from, and has no intention of putting fictitious religions on their list.

Poor Jedis. Sounds like the farce is with them.

Take that: More deep thoughts from US philosopher Jack Handy:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is that they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go 'What was THAT?!'

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, 'Hey, free dummy.'

Graphic: whee07gbz