‘Caregiver burnout is real’: the warning signs, how to prevent it and why carers need to look after themselves
- When Daniel Lim started looking after his sick parents, he felt like he had been ‘left to drown’ – and his physical and mental health suffered as a result
- Lim shares the lessons he’s learned in 15 years, and an expert in Hong Kong explains carer burnout, how to spot the warning signs and how to recover from it
Singaporean Daniel Lim was just 30 years old when he found himself looking after his sick parents. It was 2009, and his father had just been diagnosed with dementia. Not long afterwards, his mother was diagnosed with stage 3B breast cancer.
In denial about his parents’ ill health and not knowing how to be a carer, Lim says his life slowly started to unravel.
“I’d also just started working, so financially I was stretched. My dad, a retired business owner, didn’t have much money saved, and my mum, a former nurse, didn’t have medical insurance. Practically overnight, I became my family’s sole breadwinner.”
Looking after his parents and taking them to their medical appointments took up most of Lim’s days – and he still had to work.
A burden shared: experts urge more support for Hong Kong’s tired, stressed carers
“It didn’t occur to me to take care of myself,” shares Lim, who is now 43 and works as a personal coach and teacher.
“In those early days, I felt resentful and actually wanted to abandon my parents. But as time went on, I realised that, as their only child, I couldn’t fail them.”
Lim confided in his then-bosses and colleagues. Fortunately, they rallied behind him, even going so far as to raise money for his family. Their support made Lim see that it was OK – and in fact, necessary – for carers to ask for help.
When caregivers experience burnout, it is important for them to seek support and take steps to manage their stress levels
“Family caregivers certainly face a multitude of challenges,” says Hong Kong-based psychologist Dr Adrian Low.
“Juggling caregiving responsibilities with work and other personal commitments, watching their family member struggle with their conditions, and feeling like they’re not doing enough, can stress the caregiver out both physically and emotionally, and cause feelings of frustration and helplessness.”
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“Caregiver burnout can manifest in a variety of ways, including physical exhaustion, emotional exhaustion, social withdrawal and depression,” says Low. Burnout may lead to a decrease in the quality of care provided, and may even cause the carer to consider giving up their responsibilities altogether, he adds.
“When caregivers experience burnout, it is important for them to seek support and take steps to manage their stress levels.”
Support can come in many forms, including social connections, peer groups, counselling and respite care. Having a support system can provide a sense of security and prevent future burnout.
Lim’s father, who is 85 this year, has moderate dementia, while his mother, who just turned 80, is in and out of hospital and recently decided that she does not wish to undergo further treatment for her cancer.
Lim says that his role as a carer has not got easier – in fact, he predicts it will only get harder as his parents get older and their conditions worsen.
He says he would not know where he would be without his support network, which includes his “life partner” – a carer to her own father, who has experienced a stroke.
“Relationships matter when you’re a caregiver,” says Lim.
You’re either a former caregiver, a current caregiver or a future caregiver. The sooner you come to terms with this the easier your journey will be
Low says it is important as a carer to prioritise your physical and emotional needs so that you can better manage your responsibilities.
And it helps to reframe any negative thoughts and focus on the positive aspects of your role as a carer, such as the fact that you are giving love and support to your family member, Low adds.
Practising self-compassion can also help alleviate any feelings of guilt that you may have about not doing enough.
For the past five years, it has championed The Enabling Festival, which takes place in Singapore annually in September and October. The festival emphasises the importance of dementia awareness and carers’ mental well-being, and offers fun, educational activities and workshops.
Lim says that while being a carer is still stigmatised and family carers are sometimes penalised by their employers for wanting to take care of their loved ones, carers should not feel alone on their journey.
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“Allow your community to help your family; speak up and tell others what you need. As the Bible saying goes, ‘Better is a neighbour nearby than a brother far away.’
“Be prepared for the journey to be long – I’ve been my parents’ caregiver for about 15 years now – but remember that the only way to get through it is to take care of yourself, because caregiver burnout is real.
“You should also do the best you can, but be aware that doing too much is not the ideal way to care for your loved ones.
“What’s more important is to empower and enable them to do things for themselves. If they can continue to do the things that matter to them, they will feel a sense of purpose.”
He adds that you are never too young to prepare yourself for a role as a carer.
“Nobody can really escape it. You’re either a former caregiver, a current caregiver or a future caregiver, and in time, you may have to receive care from someone else. The sooner you come to terms with this reality, the easier your journey will be.”
